May 15, 2003 : In Retrospect
Los Angeles, CA
Married 6 years
Journal entry: May 15, 2003
There was a time when, at this fork in the road, I would be crying for the loss of love and a loved one; a time when I would have teared up really good and then simply gotten over it. But it is difficult to describe the feeling in my chest and stomach, almost as if these areas have been emptied of some toxic substances and now my organs can breathe, my mind can be illuminated and I can get up on that high watch my girlfriend recommends.
I am a married woman who still loves her husband. That is all. I lost him and could not locate him no matter what I tried and there was simply no recourse in my mind but to punish that person who stole him. I realize that he too participated and for that he must face his own reflection. But the pain was constant. Even when I tried to give it go after go after go, there was ever more pain and I realized that it was not going to go away. I don’t know all of the answers. I don’t know if this is who he really was or if his needs just somehow began to outweigh him. I was at fault, am at fault, for speaking things into the universe that I never wanted to be true. For not being heart smart and going where it tells me; to him, with him.
There are so many things we could say to make ourselves feel better and like we are on the side of right. But the reality is that it is quiet in here and drawers are empty and closet space is available and the children are unsuspecting and life is a different color now. But I’m glad that I can now see color, when for the past few days it had been utterly black.
I am going to pray for my husband and wait for my husband and trust God for the miracle we need to enjoin ourselves together on this journey to be friends and helpers and partners. There is a journey being undergone here in the city of North Hollywood. A journey in which two people who have known love for one another need peace - inner peace. Deep , lasting, real, confirmable peace that passes all misunderstanding. I pray his soul finds a place where it no longer has to wander. That he will gain ultimate satisfaction in his own beauty and depth and crest. That he will know that happiness is constant when it is inward. I pray that he will walk tall again – beautiful face to the clouds – and know that what we do is not who we are. I pray that he will find encouragement and friendship with people who love peace.
I don’t know what the future is going to look like but I am agreeing with the universe on the promise that I made to be true and here. Here while he gets his head clear and his heart available. I will write and create and love and not condemn. I will speak only things that I want to be true and trust God to know all things better than I can imagine them. There is nothing more than love; giant loving, giving and forgiving love that keeps lives oiled and running. Love that teaches trust slowly but surely in a way that won’t disappear at the drop of a cell phone call. There are answers to unthinkable questions and we all have one. How long will I wait? Answer: As long as it takes.