Tuesday, May 16, 2006

May 15, 2003 : In Retrospect

Jasai (Al's wife) - 30
Los Angeles, CA
Married 6 years

Journal entry: May 15, 2003
Today I got angry. I got angry and hurt and I disappointed a lot of people; some intended, some not. I hurt Al in a lot of different places, all of which I am concerned about.

There was a time when, at this fork in the road, I would be crying for the loss of love and a loved one; a time when I would have teared up really good and then simply gotten over it. But it is difficult to describe the feeling in my chest and stomach, almost as if these areas have been emptied of some toxic substances and now my organs can breathe, my mind can be illuminated and I can get up on that high watch my girlfriend recommends.

I am a married woman who still loves her husband. That is all. I lost him and could not locate him no matter what I tried and there was simply no recourse in my mind but to punish that person who stole him. I realize that he too participated and for that he must face his own reflection. But the pain was constant. Even when I tried to give it go after go after go, there was ever more pain and I realized that it was not going to go away. I don’t know all of the answers. I don’t know if this is who he really was or if his needs just somehow began to outweigh him. I was at fault, am at fault, for speaking things into the universe that I never wanted to be true. For not being heart smart and going where it tells me; to him, with him.

There are so many things we could say to make ourselves feel better and like we are on the side of right. But the reality is that it is quiet in here and drawers are empty and closet space is available and the children are unsuspecting and life is a different color now. But I’m glad that I can now see color, when for the past few days it had been utterly black.

I am going to pray for my husband and wait for my husband and trust God for the miracle we need to enjoin ourselves together on this journey to be friends and helpers and partners. There is a journey being undergone here in the city of North Hollywood. A journey in which two people who have known love for one another need peace - inner peace. Deep , lasting, real, confirmable peace that passes all misunderstanding. I pray his soul finds a place where it no longer has to wander. That he will gain ultimate satisfaction in his own beauty and depth and crest. That he will know that happiness is constant when it is inward. I pray that he will walk tall again – beautiful face to the clouds – and know that what we do is not who we are. I pray that he will find encouragement and friendship with people who love peace.

I don’t know what the future is going to look like but I am agreeing with the universe on the promise that I made to be true and here. Here while he gets his head clear and his heart available. I will write and create and love and not condemn. I will speak only things that I want to be true and trust God to know all things better than I can imagine them. There is nothing more than love; giant loving, giving and forgiving love that keeps lives oiled and running. Love that teaches trust slowly but surely in a way that won’t disappear at the drop of a cell phone call. There are answers to unthinkable questions and we all have one. How long will I wait? Answer: As long as it takes.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Lasting love for The Man I Live With

Trula (Brian's wife) - 34
Cleveland, OH
married 7 years

I married my best friend, and truly, it was our deep friendship that sustained us through rough patches. We almost got divorced about four years ago and it was our friendship, our respect for each other as friends first, which helped us to step back away from divorcing and stay together. Friendship is a great foundation to base a marriage on. I think when you are friends first you are more honest and upfront with each other than if you start out dating.
I love being married, it makes life so much easier. I have one person, outside of my blood family, who loves me completely and who always has my back. I have someone to vent to, someone to share my hopes and fears with. I have someone to have a family with, and I always have a "date" to go places with. Not to mention the intimacy of marriage, both the physical and emotional. There is great satisfaction in being with someone who truly knows your body and vice versa, and who knows your mind.
It has been a continual growth process for both of us. One thing I can tell you is that my marriage and home life became more peaceful and smoother when I adjusted my attitude toward my role as a wife and began to feel positive about my womanly characterisitcs; ones that I had previously felt were wrong or weak. (That's internalized sexism for you...just like sexist men often sneer at female qualities, we often sneer at ourselves and reject parts of ourselves) This deeply affected my relationship in ways my husband had trouble putting his finger on, but once I challenged myself to change he would say, ok... that was it.
Another thing I have learned in the marriage journey is to be open and accepting of personal growth in my husband. The things about him that irritated me and caused problems in our marriage were, oddly enough, things I found difficult to let go of when I tried to change. I was highly resistant to his attempts at changing his attitude and growing as a person. It was very surprising, even to me, that I would react to his changes in that way. Thankfully we rode out the bad times and are both now happy and embracing of personal growth in the other. Thankfully we still share a deep love and have the same goals and dreams for our marriage and family.
We have been together 10 years and celebrated our 7th marriage anniversary on May 7th. Here's to many more. To steal a phrase from a corny commercial: I love this man, I love this man, I love him!
*Trula writes about her Life as Wife, mother and woman at MSPmedia.net

Thursday, May 04, 2006

just sitting here thinking....

October 17, 2005

Ebony (Dave's wife) -35
Columbus, OH
Married 2.5 years

My husband and I have separated. His drinking is just out of control. I have been so busy scrambling around to find a job that I haven't had time to do much of anything. Being six months pregnant doesn't help the job search much. People say they don't discriminate, but how willing would you be to hire someone who will be needing to be replaced in a few short months? So I have entered the temp world. It's actually not that bad. I did it once before and the flexiblity is good for working around doctor's appointments, court dates, etc. Now I'm just struggling with the big question of whether or not this will be a permanent separation or not. A lot of it depends on whether or not my husband hops back on the wagon, but a lot of it depends on me too and I just don't know. I have to let go of this anger of being left (even though I made him move out) with three kids, pregnant and no job. In the back of my mind, I knew that no matter how long he'd been sober, there was always the chance that he would go back. I babysat for a lady whose husband was sober for eighteen years and started drinking again; after awhile you do get comfortable and start taking the sobriety for granted. That was my mistake, but I'm still pissed.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

For pre, post and en(during) love

Serenity (Antonio's wife) - 37
Fort Bragg, NC
Married 5 years

This is my amazing husband, the BrothaGeek in SoldierBoy persona. He’s 6′2, 235 lbs., has dimples and big feet (size 13). He also has character, integrity, kindness and intelligence in high abundance. To say I am blessed is the understatement of the century.

An Ode to the BrothaGeek…

I just wanted to express my love and gratitude to this wonderful man — my joy, my life, my friend. He is handsome, funny and smart, sweet, generous and kind, thoughtful, introspective and wonderful, and always striving to do better, to move forward for himself and for us.

Thank you for sticking with me through the good and bad times.

Thank you for not moving to a hotel during my Premenstrual Syndrome, PostMenstrual Syndrome and During Menstrual Syndrome (which mean the whole month is pretty much fuc*ed for you…) He is the solid ground on which I can land…the sure knowledge of his stability allow me to fly as high and as freely as I wish.

Thank you for letting me have the pets, when you really are not used to having animals living (and sleeping) with you.

Thank you for always allowing me to use the bathroom first before you blow up the spot.

Thank you for always being a gentleman and a friend.

Thank you for straight blowing my mind and keeping my body screaming for the past five years.

Thank you for being you.

You are my treasure, my gift, my blessing, my life.

I love you.

*Serenity writes about her life as wife and other juicy topics at www.sistahgeek.net

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Married to the MACK

Tamra (Mack's wife) - 34
Signal Hill, CA
Married for 8 years 11 mo

Where to begin our love story? Well...this year marks eleven years for us being a part of each other's lives. Our fairytale is exactly THAT...we met on the job and began dating. Within a month we were engaged. Add six months and we were living together. Add twelve months and we were married.

Our marriage was rough like any other marriage. My mother paid for our entire wedding alone and made us promise not to separate in under two years (or we'd have to pay her back). Exactly 2 year and 2 months into our marriage, I left him. I got my own place. I changed jobs...I was trying to start over fresh. Then of course during one of those make-up, "baby please come home" sessions, I wound up pregnant with our first child together.

I came home to promises of a better life...but got more of why I left in the first place. Just before our son turned two, I left again...this time I filed for divorce. We were separated for nearly two years. He pursued me nearly the entire time - and his pleas fell on deaf ears.

The dating game was no joke either...simply put - a complete waste of valuable time.

Then one day I came to realize that I still loved my husband VERY much. But the divorce was already final. I revealed my feelings and from that point on we started re-building our family...just three months after the divorce was final...hell, the ink on the paper wasn't even dry yet!!

I wound up pregnant again, and we re-married. It's funny now that I look back...we wasted a lot of time. But I know that our time apart helped us build the wonderful marriage we have today. My husband is a wonderful man and has grown to be a GREAT father, provider, friend and lover. I am so blessed to have this man in my life and he makes me whole in ways I never imagined possible.
*Tam writes about her life as wife and other such subjects at That Girl Tam

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Welcome Wifey!

Welcome to The Life of Wife where each of us will learn and teach lessons of wifehood. I have done it twice and each time it was remarkably different and in some ways, every bit the same. We will show one another how marriage works and why sometimes, despite our best efforts, it just doesn't.

Whether it's good or bad, thrilling or sad, it's the job and one we (most days) gladly do.

Take a minute and introduce yourself (and your guy, if you feel so inclined).

I'm J, Al's wife and I just recently relized that wifehood is my privilege, even on days where it feels like some kind of cruel, itchy plague.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

an unexpected love

Jasai - 30
Los Angeles, CA
married 5 years, 10 months

I am grateful for the way he cares for me – actively and out loud. He came to meet me and the children with an umbrella after the visit with daddy was over; so ready to be there for me. So eager to make me feel comfortable, valued. He is tender to me before the children which is his greatest gift to them. They will understand, both of them, the roles that people in love should play for one another.

I fell asleep on the drive home and when I woke I was tucked tight, blanketed no doubt by him while he drove. Enlisting the children to do something that would make mommy more comfy.

My son will be a good husband from this example. My daughter will understand clearly, the standard and not settle for less. In this way that he embraces me and husbandhood and fatherhood, he is so much unexpected love.
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